Nostalgia for SNL's Il Returno De Hercules

Source: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/86/86nhercules.phtml

Now that SNL has an official YouTube channel, I had hoped SNL would add the "Il Returno de Hercules" skit to the channel.  The skit was from from SNL Season 12 Episode 14.

I was able to find the script for the skit at snltranscripts.jt.org.  And here it is for your viewing pleasure.  If SNL doesn't put this on YouTube, maybe someone can remake it and put it up.

Il Returno de Hercules

King Laetes.....Dana Carvey/Tom Davis (voice)
Helena.....Nora Dunn/Jan Hooks (voice)
Hercules.....Bill Murray
Guard.....A Whitney Brown


Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] "In the time known as the Heroic Age, many centuries before the birth of Christ, Greece was still a savage and uncivilized land. In these dark times, one man alone defended the helpless - the Mighty Hercules. For many years the mighty Hercules fought for the common people, until at length his rich diet and increasingly sedentary lifestyle began to take their toll. Though still quite strong for a man his age, he was no longer the Hercules of old."

King Laetes: Why do you resist me, Helena? Become my Queen. Together, we will rule Greece!

Helena: Never! You have stolen this land from my father. Besides, you have not reckoned yet with Hercules.

King Laetes: Do not look to Hercules for help. My guards captured him last night. Today, he will be put to death.

Helena: No! Spare him! I will do anything you ask.

King Laetes: So.. you do love him!

Helena: He is the greatest hero of Greece.

King Laetes: I must see this warrior. Bring Hercules to me!

Guard: Bring in Hercules!

[ Hercules is brought in. He is old and flabby ]

King Laetes: So, Hercules, once again, we meet. By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!

Hercules: Is it that noticeable, Laetes?

King Laetes: Is it noticeable?! I hardly recognized you!

Helena: Well, I think he looks fine.

King Laetes: Silence! So.. the Mighty Hercules! I don't mean to be cruel, but you have really gone downhill!

Hercules: I have not exercised much since the last Olympics. And I've learned, to my sorrow, that if you stop exercising, the muscle turns to fat.

King Laetes: I was going to feed you to the Hydra, the seven-headed dragon.. but looking at you, I have a better idea. You are said to be the strongest man to ever live. I will spare your life, if you can pass a test of strength!

Hercules: Must I pass this test of strength right away?

King Laetes: What do you mean?

Hercules: If I can have a month or two, to get into better condition..

King Laetes: No! Absolutely not! You must pass the test of strength now! Today!

Hercules: Very well. What is your test?

King Laetes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!

Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could lift a smaller one.

King Laetes: So! The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laetes.  I plan to start a new regimen - hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.

King Laetes: Brave talk, Hercules. First, you must pass this test!

Hercules: And if I pass this test, you will spare Helena's life?

King Laetes: You have my word.

Hercules: Very well. I accept.

Helena: No, Hercules. Don't try to lift the boulder yourself. Get someone to help you.

[ Hercules stretches as everyone waits ]

King Laetes: Hercules! Look, what are you doing?

Hercules: First, I must loosen up. I am very tight. [ continues to stretch ]

Helena: Hercules! I beg you. Don't! [ Hercules bends over to lift the boulder ] Hercules! The legs! Lift with the legs!

Hercules: [ starting to raise the boulder, stopping suddenly ] My back! I think I pulled it! [ he lays on the ground, as Helena runs over to help ] This happened once before. Leave me alone. If I lie flat like this, it will fix itself.

King Laetes: [ laughing ] Ha! Your Hercules is a weakling! Send in the Hydra!

Guard: Send the Hydra!

[ the Hydra appears ]

Helena: Hercules! Get up! The Hydra!

Hercules: I can't. Just let me lie here, please.

Helena: Oh, Laetes, please! Hercules can't get up! Call off the Hydra!

King Laetes: Very well.. Call off the Hydra.

Guard: Call off the Hydra!

[ the Hydra leaves ]

Helena: Hercules, the Hydra is gone. Can I do anything for you?

Hercules: No, Helena. Thank you. If I could just lie here for another minute..

King Laetes: [ mocking ] The Mighty Hercules! What a disappointment!

Hercules: [ trying to pick himself up ] I'd like to see you try it.

King Laetes: The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: Stop saying "The Mighty Hercules".

Helena: Don't worry about Laetes. Soon, when you have regained your strength, you can return to lift that boulder and crush him with it.

Hercules: I can't even think about that now..

Helena: That's right, Hercules. Now you must rest. For you, there will be other adventures. The gods have willed it!

[ fade out - "Fini" at the center of the screen ]

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Getting Authentication Prompt When Accessing SharePoint Web Services

You have a SharePoint site that is configured to be accessible by anonymous users, and the site's permissions are also configured to allow anonymous users.  You create a JavaScript based web part to access SharePoint's web services, pull list items, and display them using the GetListItems SOAP 1.2 call.  For some reason, users are prompted to authenticate when accessing your site.  I discovered that the fix for this is in the web request content type. If you set the content type to "text/xml; charset=utf-8" as in the SOAP 1.1 envelope sample, SharePoint won't prompt you to authenticate. Here's the /_vti_bin/lists.asmx?op=GetListItems output for reference: SOAP 1.1 The following is a sample SOAP 1.1 request and response. The placeholders shown need to be replaced with actual values. POST /_vti_bin/lists.asmx HTTP/1.1 Host: moss2007hv.kor.cmil.mil Content-Type: text/xml; charset=utf-8 Content-Length: length SOAPAction: "http://schemas.mi
Read more

How To use ASPNET_SetReg to store encrypted data in the registry and then decrypt the data for use in your app

1) You may find it a bit unsecure storing usernames and passwords inside your web.config.  As an alternative to doing this, Microsoft has established a standard way to store that type of info in the registry of your server instead.  Yes, you can encrypt portions of the web.config using aspnet_regiis, but it can become quite a hassle if you need to make changes to some of your appSettings keys or change the account password over a number of different applications.   ( http://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/library/dtkwfdky.aspx ) 2) You can use a simple command line tool called aspnet_setreg.exe to create your registry entries.     You can find the tool here:              http://support.microsoft.com/kb/329290     The tool will use CryptProtectData to encrypt the values you put in the registry. The example in the article uses the following example: Run the following command to add the registry entry: c:\Tools>aspnet_setreg.exe -k:SOFTWARE\MY_SECURE_APP\identity -u:"yourd
Read more

PowerShell Script to Clean the Windows Installer Directory

Yesterday, I had a case of the Windows folder filling up the OS drive on a server. I already have scripts to archive the event log files in c:\windows\system32\winevt, as well as c:\inetpub\logs for web servers.  So I ran those again, but found the OS drive still down to less than 5 GB in space. Using a program called WinDirStat, I discovered that the Windows Installer directory had gotten pretty big, like over 40GB in size. I began my quest to Google for a solution. I saw one article talking about using DISM to clean up the winsxs directory.  https://docs.microsoft.com/en-us/windows-hardware/manufacture/desktop/clean-up-the-winsxs-folder However, that didn't clean up the c:\windows\installer directory at all.  Also, installing the Desktop Experience Feature and using the cleanmgr.exe (Disk Clean up) utility didn't clean up the Installer directory either. Many blogs pointed towards a tool called Patch Cleaner. https://www.winhelponline.com/blog/windows-installer-
Read more